How to Lose Your Shirt in the Stock Market (Humour)
August 4, 2008
The following is simply a Just for Laughs article that is intended to bring about a giggle. Enjoy!
Tired of being a successful investor? By following these rules, you can return to your humble roots and make your less wealthy friends tolerate your company again:
1. Believe in the “Experts”
Why should you do your own stock research when there are “experts” around to do all the work for you? If Jim Cramer thinks Starbucks is going to be hot, just reach for your wallet! Or, if your wealthy brother-in-law knows of a great high-tech IPO, write down the name on a cocktail napkin and call your stock broker in the morning. After all, if they’re so smart, why aren’t they rich?
2. Hire Your Own Personal “Expert”
Speaking of stock broker, we strongly recommend hiring someone to make your investment decisions and transactions for you. After all, if you want to lose your shirt in the stock market, one of the best ways to get the job done is to pay a lot of money in fees and commissions. That way, you take on all the risk yourself, are completely dependent on someone else, and any pesky returns wind up funding your stock broker’s vacation trip to Tahiti, not yours.
3. Rely on Your “Inner Knowledge”
You know those investors who research trends and movements in different industries before they select stocks to invest in? Go ahead and scoff at them. You don’t need book knowledge – just a couple of hunches mixed together with a gut feeling and stirred up with a healthy dose of confidence. While you’re at it, toss your stock analysis software out the window. After all, you already know how to lose your shirt at the horse track (just bet on “Hot Chocolate” in the first race, and “Footy Pajamas” in the second race, because they bring up such fond childhood memories). How hard could it be to achieve the same results in the stock market?
4. Be Optimistic
In the stock market, it’s best to look on the bright side of life, so get out that sunny disposition! We strongly recommend telling yourself affirmations in the mirror every morning (“I am a masterful stock market investor, and dog-gone-it, people like me”) and maybe giving your portfolio a pep talk every now and then, too. Because if you want to lose your shirt, attitude is everything, right?
5. Buy High and Sell Low
It’s no fun to buy when everyone is selling. You feel like, “What kind of fool am I?” On the other hand, when the market is hot, and everyone is in the buy, buy, buy mood, that’s definitely the time to buy. You’ll be sure to lose your shirt when you are forced to sell at a tenth of the price.
6. Turn up your nose at index funds. All of them.
Index funds are for wimps. That includes exchange traded funds, too, like the QQQ. After all, index funds are basically a passive way to achieve the same returns as the market over all, with low overhead. And that’s not what you want, is it?
7. Put all your money in the same basket
If you love robotics, or biotechnology, be sure to invest only in those stocks. And while we’re talking about the same basket, make sure that you not only invest in the same industry, but that you only invest in stocks. None of this diversification nonsense, or a portfolio that includes bonds and cash.
Use these tips and not only will you find out whether your spouse really loves you, you might also land yourself in a lower tax bracket. (Take that, Uncle Sam!)
This is a guest post written by Jim Gianoglio of High Growth Stock Investor. Find out how the HGSI stock tracking and stock portfolio software can help you make informed investing decisions.
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August 4th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
You said the same what I said to my blog. I agree that these are the most foolishness moves by a coward investor because of no research and lots of self trust. This is bad and when such investors going to understad there mistakes and come to proper path? god know….
Sherin – http://investinternals.blogspot.com
August 4th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
The current prospect of stock market sure isn’t going very bright.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
let exchange link then..
what is your preferred anchor text and link
August 4th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
^_^ I would love to!
August 5th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Either Reflections or Alyssum would be fine.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Gotta love Monopoly
August 6th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Simply loved the way how you decribed it in simple 7 steps. It tends to help in understanding better. Excellent blog !
August 6th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Yes, do what you do best & have someone else do everything else – basic business principles. Thanks, informative site. I’ll be back.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I love smart asses!
I gave you a thumbs up btw.
August 7th, 2008 at 4:23 am
Nice one!
Keep it up. haha
August 7th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Hi Michael,
I thumbed you up in Stumble…hope it helps a bit. Thanks for adding me. I’m “fluomundi” on Stumble if anyone would like to stumble over:) This blog is a great idea.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Thanks for all of the support guys, every one of you is an important friend to me. Anything you need don’t hesitate to ask
August 8th, 2008 at 5:16 am
You have a great sense of humor for a stockmarket expert to post something like this. I thought all along that folks like you only speak the language of loses and gains then they just jumped off the windows when the bourse goes crashing. Hehehe… I will be visiting your blog often to educate my ignorant brain on the workings of wall street… More power to you…
August 10th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
This is only funny…because it’s true. There is an alternative for investors and traders.
August 10th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
The alternative: Stock Market Education
September 26th, 2008 at 9:02 am
I wanna say this much only.. its real people taking risks with real money.. don’t stand in their way when they are about to go either or.. help them to find out if it is smart not to have all the food in the same basket if they are goin on a picnic
May 4th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
are really low, I would buy some OIL & bank stocks.